GYNECOLOGIST

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and
become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what
was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and
learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached,
the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam
with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to
find that he had received a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called
the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which
needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the
engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put
the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of
the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50%
because you did all of it through the muffler."

Joke of the day

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes

into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and

says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll

forgive

me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room

221."

Weeweechu

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita
were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon,
when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play
Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

(NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!)

Blonde's Year in Review T C

Blonde's Year in  Review: 

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired  from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles  won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw  puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on  escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make  Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June  - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a  slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,  other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain  storm.....car swamped, because top was  down.

September - The  capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M  &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4  1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh  108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"  button on the phone!!! 
   
What a year!!

l'idiot

Je me suis réveillé ce jour là et j'avais 45 ans. Je ne me sentais pas
très bien, mais j'espérais que ma femme me souhaiterait un joyeux
anniversaire. A ma grande déception, elle ne m'a même pas dit bonjour.
Au petit déjeuné, mes enfants ne m'ont pas parlé. Arrivé au bureau, ma
secrétaire m'a dit "Joyeux anniversaire" J'étais heureux car, elle au
moins, s'en était souvenue, mais pas mes collègues, à ma grande
tristesse. A midi, ma secrétaire m'a dit : "Pourquoi ne pas manger
ensemble?". J'ai dit que c'était la plus belle chose qu'on m'ait
proposée ce jour Nous sommes partis prendre un verre et manger
ensemble. Sur le chemin du bureau, elle m'a dit :"Pourquoi retourner
au boulot, si tôt,un tel jour?" Et elle me proposa de passer chez
elle. Arrivée chez elle, elle m'a offert un verre et m'a dit : "Ca ne
te dérange pas que je me mette à l'aise?" J'ai répondu : "Quelle
question!" Et dans ma tête, je me disais que ça pouvait être une
expérience intéressante. Elle est partie dans sa chambre et ... est
revenue avec un énorme gâteau, suivie de ma femme, mes enfants, mon
patron et tous mes collègues ... et moi, j'étais comme un con, à poil
dans le salon!!!

Great Explanation

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you
do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm
leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened"

"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I w ill hear from
you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this
young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead
and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3
days. With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured
them."

"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her
the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no
longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the
blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I
don't have good taste."

"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you
will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots
that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again
after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.

When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of
her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

Elle est bonne

THE VIBRATOR!

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied,
"Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close
as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. When he
questioned her as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm
thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that now familiar
buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She
cautiously entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the
couch, staring at the TV with the vibrator next to him buzzing like
crazy.

The wife shrieked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband
replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

Pass this along and make someone smile today...

How do these people survive?

You wonder how people like this can actually exist!

*********************************************************************************

> >>How do these people survive?
> >>
> >> ONE
> >> Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that
>
> >>you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked
> >>for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said
> >>the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only
> >>have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half
> >>dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook
> >>my head and ordered six McNuggets.
> >>
> >> TWO
> >> I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few
> >>items and the
> >>lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked
> >>up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
> >>placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the
> >>girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider",
> >>looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not
> >>finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this
> >>is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy
> >>that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and
> >>left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
> >>
> >> THREE
> >> A lady at work was seen putting a credit card
>into her
> >>floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to
> >>what she was doing, she said she was shopping on
> >>the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she
> >>was using the ATM "thingy."
> >>
> >> FOUR
> >> I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her
> >>car. &;quot;Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I
> >>should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now
> >>I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
> >>convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I
> >>dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote
> >>thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I
> >>took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why
> >>don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
> >>long
> >>walk."
> >>
> >> FIVE
> >>
>Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
> >>One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm
> >>almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier
> >>machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took
> >>her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier
> >>and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
> >>
> >> SIX
> >> A large motor home was towed into a car dealership a while
> >>ago. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
> >>whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." When the
> >>manager was asked what had happened. He said that the driver had
> >>set the
> >>"cruise
>control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
> >>
> >> SEVEN
> >> My neighbor works in the operations department in the
> >>central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him
> >>when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a
> >>call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
> >>"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
> >>have a fire downtown?"
> >>
> >> EIGHT
> >> Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a
> >>metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a
> >>photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
>placed in the
> >>copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they
> >>thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
> >>detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
> >>
> >> NINE
> >> A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if
> >>she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating
> >>ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and
> >>should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant
> >>killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him to emergency!