DON'T MESS WITH MOM

DON'T MESS WITH MOM
 
The Child's Comments and Thoughts
 
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
 
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'
 
It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
 
I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.
 
I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue &nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.
 
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
 
Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
 
Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
 
Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known  as C.S.D."
 
Mom's Reply and Thoughts
 
Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.
 
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
 
Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts &pants galore.
 
I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.
 
I've cancelled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."
 
I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
 
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favourite dish of mine."
 
He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
 
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.
 
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
 
I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!
 
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?"
 
Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers, or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday
OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH .I love this One!!!
 
from a MOM
(Mean Old Mother.)

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader.

This is Leroy's homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get
that catacomb!

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they
gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He
say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."

9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to

the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you Break.

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, Do you plan on
stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Furthering your education with today's Ebonic word:

Today's word is :"OMELETTE"
Let us use it in a sentence.

"I should pop yo ass fo FORWARDIN dis, but omelette dis one slide."

New Evening Classes for Men!

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER
BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and
support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR
PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

The Bus Ride

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter
a double-decker bus for a weekend for a bowling tournament in Atlantic
City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team
rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it
having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything
from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When
the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear,
staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of
them. They all had white knuckles.

The brunette says, "What's goin' on up here? We're having a great time
downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a
driver!"

Something to offend everyone

Something to offend everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!