E-mail Joke compendium

GYNECOLOGIST

2006-01-17T12:17:00.000-05:00

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and
become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what
was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and
learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached,
the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam
with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to
find that he had received a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called
the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which
needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the
engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put
the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of
the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50%
because you did all of it through the muffler."

Joke of the day

2006-01-17T12:16:00.000-05:00

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes

into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and

says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll

forgive

me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room

221."

Weeweechu

2006-01-03T10:12:00.000-05:00

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita
were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon,
when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play
Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

(NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!)

Blonde's Year in Review T C

2005-12-14T15:05:00.000-05:00

Blonde's Year in Review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

l'idiot

2005-12-14T15:04:00.000-05:00

Je me suis réveillé ce jour là et j'avais 45 ans. Je ne me sentais pas
très bien, mais j'espérais que ma femme me souhaiterait un joyeux
anniversaire. A ma grande déception, elle ne m'a même pas dit bonjour.
Au petit déjeuné, mes enfants ne m'ont pas parlé. Arrivé au bureau, ma
secrétaire m'a dit "Joyeux anniversaire" J'étais heureux car, elle au
moins, s'en était souvenue, mais pas mes collègues, à ma grande
tristesse. A midi, ma secrétaire m'a dit : "Pourquoi ne pas manger
ensemble?". J'ai dit que c'était la plus belle chose qu'on m'ait
proposée ce jour Nous sommes partis prendre un verre et manger
ensemble. Sur le chemin du bureau, elle m'a dit :"Pourquoi retourner
au boulot, si tôt,un tel jour?" Et elle me proposa de passer chez
elle. Arrivée chez elle, elle m'a offert un verre et m'a dit : "Ca ne
te dérange pas que je me mette à l'aise?" J'ai répondu : "Quelle
question!" Et dans ma tête, je me disais que ça pouvait être une
expérience intéressante. Elle est partie dans sa chambre et ... est
revenue avec un énorme gâteau, suivie de ma femme, mes enfants, mon
patron et tous mes collègues ... et moi, j'étais comme un con, à poil
dans le salon!!!

Great Explanation

2005-12-14T10:29:00.000-05:00

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you
do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm
leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened"

"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I w ill hear from
you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this
young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead
and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3
days. With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured
them."

"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her
the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no
longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the
blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I
don't have good taste."

"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you
will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots
that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again
after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.

When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of
her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

Elle est bonne

2005-11-15T19:46:00.000-05:00

THE VIBRATOR!

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied,
"Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close
as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. When he
questioned her as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm
thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that now familiar
buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She
cautiously entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the
couch, staring at the TV with the vibrator next to him buzzing like
crazy.

The wife shrieked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband
replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

Pass this along and make someone smile today...

How do these people survive?

2005-11-14T13:34:00.000-05:00

You wonder how people like this can actually exist!

*********************************************************************************

> >>How do these people survive?
> >>
> >> ONE
> >> Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that
>
> >>you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked
> >>for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said
> >>the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only
> >>have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half
> >>dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook
> >>my head and ordered six McNuggets.
> >>
> >> TWO
> >> I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few
> >>items and the
> >>lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked
> >>up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
> >>placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the
> >>girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider",
> >>looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not
> >>finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this
> >>is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy
> >>that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and
> >>left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
> >>
> >> THREE
> >> A lady at work was seen putting a credit card
>into her
> >>floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to
> >>what she was doing, she said she was shopping on
> >>the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she
> >>was using the ATM "thingy."
> >>
> >> FOUR
> >> I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her
> >>car. &;quot;Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I
> >>should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now
> >>I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
> >>convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I
> >>dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote
> >>thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I
> >>took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why
> >>don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
> >>long
> >>walk."
> >>
> >> FIVE
> >>
>Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
> >>One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm
> >>almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier
> >>machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took
> >>her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier
> >>and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
> >>
> >> SIX
> >> A large motor home was towed into a car dealership a while
> >>ago. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
> >>whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." When the
> >>manager was asked what had happened. He said that the driver had
> >>set the
> >>"cruise
>control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
> >>
> >> SEVEN
> >> My neighbor works in the operations department in the
> >>central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him
> >>when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a
> >>call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
> >>"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
> >>have a fire downtown?"
> >>
> >> EIGHT
> >> Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a
> >>metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a
> >>photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
>placed in the
> >>copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they
> >>thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
> >>detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
> >>
> >> NINE
> >> A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if
> >>she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating
> >>ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and
> >>should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant
> >>killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him to emergency!

DON'T MESS WITH MOM

2005-10-28T09:38:00.000-04:00

DON'T MESS WITH MOM

The Child's Comments and Thoughts

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue &nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D."

Mom's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts &pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

I've cancelled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favourite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?"

Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers, or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday
OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH .I love this One!!!

from a MOM
(Mean Old Mother.)

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader.

2005-10-26T01:05:00.000-04:00

This is Leroy's homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get
that catacomb!

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they
gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He
say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."

9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to

the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you Break.

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, Do you plan on
stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Furthering your education with today's Ebonic word:

Today's word is :"OMELETTE"
Let us use it in a sentence.

"I should pop yo ass fo FORWARDIN dis, but omelette dis one slide."

New Evening Classes for Men!

2005-10-18T15:34:00.000-04:00

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER
BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and
support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR
PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

The Bus Ride

2005-10-13T10:51:00.000-04:00

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter
a double-decker bus for a weekend for a bowling tournament in Atlantic
City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team
rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it
having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything
from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When
the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear,
staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of
them. They all had white knuckles.

The brunette says, "What's goin' on up here? We're having a great time
downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a
driver!"

Something to offend everyone

2005-10-12T08:26:00.000-04:00

Something to offend everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Best Out Of Office Auto Replies

2005-09-29T15:36:00.000-04:00

Best Out Of Office Auto Replies
-------------------------------------------
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will
reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be
prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification
because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances
are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread,
worthless emails you send me until I return from
holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been
charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for
each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server
connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can
see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to
a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place,
and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19
weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks
for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me
as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

toilet cleaning

2005-09-29T14:36:00.000-04:00

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-wash pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

With best wishes,

The Dog

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

2005-09-27T13:19:00.000-04:00

>THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
>My tire was thumping.
>I thought it was flat
>When I looked at the tire...
>I noticed your cat.
>
>Sorry!
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Heard your wife left you,
>How upset you must be.
>But don't fret about it...
>
>She moved in with me.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Looking back over the years
>that we've been together,
>I can't help but wonder...
>
>"What the hell was I thinking?"
>
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Congratulations on your wedding day!
>Too bad no one likes your husband.
>
>! ;~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>How could two people as beautiful as you
>Have such an ugly baby?
>
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>I've always wanted to have
>someone to hold, someone to love.
>
>After having met you .
>
>I've changed my mind.
>
>--------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
>I never believed in Hell until I met you.
>
>As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
>That you're not here to ruin it for me.
>
>
>Congratulations on your promotion.
>Before you go...
>
>Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
>You'll probably need it again.
>

>**
>**
>Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
>
>(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
>
>Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
>
>Almost Lifelike!
>

>When we were together,
>you always said you'd die for me.
>
>Now that we've broken up,
>I think it's time you kept your promise.
>
>

>We have been friends for a very long time ..
>let's say we stop?
>
>
>I'm so miserable without you .....
>it's almost like you're here.
>
>

>Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
>
>Did you ever find out who the father was?
>
>
>
>Your friends and I wanted to do
>something special for your birthday.
>
>So we're having you put to sleep.
>

>
>So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
>Look at the bright side, it's really good pay

Cinderalla

2005-09-23T15:57:00.000-04:00

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.

Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy
beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

We never win!! (Poor guys!!!!)

2005-09-21T14:14:00.000-04:00

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning
back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday
was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there
was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head
was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well
Dear, what was it like being six again??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant
my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

A mathematical viewpoint

2005-09-14T17:01:00.000-04:00

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Joke...Ça surprend......

2005-09-14T17:00:00.000-04:00

Un gars, dans un taxi, veut parler au chauffeur. Il se penche et, pour
attirer son attention, lui tape sur l'épaule. Le chauffeur jette un
cri de mort, crampe le volant et appuie sur l'accélérateur si bien
qu'il sort de la route et va écraser la voiture sur un poteau. Le
pauvre client, tout secoué, s'excuse auprès du chauffeur: "Je ne
voulais vraiment pas vous faire peur, mais que s'est-il passé?" Le
chauffeur répond: "Ce n'est vraiment pas votre faute. C'est ma
première journée comme chauffeur de taxi. Ça faisait 25 ans que je
conduisais des corbillards".

WHY WE LOVE LITTLE CHILDREN

2005-09-14T12:55:00.000-04:00

KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL DO THINK FAST

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day, same time."

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father
didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You
know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of
water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I
told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes
later......"Daaaa-aaaad...."
"WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy
thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was
broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One
little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the
pastor's clip-on microphone,"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to
iron."

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes,
honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she
replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a
bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?"
the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the
teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The
teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother
asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a
bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that farmer said? "One little girl raised her hand and said, "I
think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable
to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School,
and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I
thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,
they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments
and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!

PAS EPAIS A PEU PRES...

2005-09-14T12:53:00.000-04:00

ORGASME

Une femme ne réussissait jamais à atteindre l'orgasme lorsqu'elle
faisait l'amour avec son mari. Un jour, elle lui dit :"Chéri, cette nuit, j'ai fait un rêve incroyable. On était en train de faire l'amour et au-dessus de nous, sur l'armoire, il y avait un homme de race noire qui agitait un éventail et j'ai eu un orgasme incroyable."

*Le couple décide de concrétiser le rêve. Ils sortent de chez eux, trouvent un grand noir et lui proposent 100$ s'il accepte de venir agiter un éventail sur l'armoire pendant qu'ils font l'amour.
Le noir accepte et ils vont directement dans la chambre à coucher. Le couple commence à faire l'amour et le noir agite l'éventail mais, malheureusement, sans aucun résultat : la femme n'atteint toujours pas l'orgasme.

Elle propose alors à son mari de changer de place avec le noir. Le mari, un peu perplexe, accepte. L'échange se fait et, peu de temps après, la femme hurle de plaisir. Lorsque les deux ont terminé, le mari redescend de son armoire, s'approche du noir et lui dit: "J'espère que t'as compris comment il faut agiter l'éventail, s'tied'épais".

Nutty Headlines

2005-09-02T11:54:00.000-04:00

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on
Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious
Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that sign right? Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your
turn to spread the stupidity
and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to

(Maybe even a chuckle).

We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling

Horrible virus

2005-09-02T03:39:00.000-04:00

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Hilarious

2005-09-01T10:50:00.000-04:00

to watch in your spare time...

http://www.mybigball.com/home.html